Part sixtieth

The veterinarian came to vaccinate the poodle, saw Matvey, shuddered and crossed himself. For the first time, he says, I see a gastropod cat. I say: for mercy's sake, doctor, he's just portly. His belly, he says, drags along the floor! I say: he just runs half-bent. And the ryakha, he says, is twice as wide as yours! I say: everyone in our family is miniature: grandfather rode a goat until he was old, grandmother slept in a basket. The veterinarian does not listen and demands a scale. The cat crawled onto the scales, and the scales also trembled. Fourteen kilograms. I tried to object that there are about five hundred grams of whiskers alone, but the veterinarian wrote with an unwavering hand: DIET! And he handed it to us.
Have you ever put an animal on a diet? The cat follows me for the fourth day in a row and asks: “Mom, why did you give birth to me with such an ass? » At night he sits next to him. You open your eyes and a red mug looms over you. Looks. It feels like it’s waiting for me to die so it can gnaw my face while it’s still warm. I used to say a lot of words: mom, proof, mygr, bird, nya. Now he only knows “meat” and “give”.
Yesterday a guest came, the cat sniffed him and suddenly grabbed him calf muscle. When they pulled him away, he fought back and shouted “give me meat” through clenched teeth. Just in case, the knives have been put away, and we are not allowing guests in yet, especially the well-fed ones. In the evening he starts crying under the refrigerator. Yesterday I listened and clearly understood “spring will not come for me.” He's seeking pity, you bastard. But we are holding on. We stopped buying fish, we are hiding sausage, and little by little we are switching to vegetarian menu so that he wouldn't be envious. What’s most offensive is that the cat quickly becomes wiser from hunger. I used to think: Lord, why did we get such a fool, the inside of his skull is lined with moss, on which sunbeams run. Now I understand that it was not a curse, but a blessing. A smart, hungry cat found a cache of cookies in the nursery, dug up the candy in my own backpack, got to the trash can and gnawed it chicken bones, and from one, in my opinion, he made a sharpener. Any day now I expect him to pick up the master key for the padlock on the refrigerator.
Against this nervous background, everyone is losing weight, except the cat, and I am afraid that the diet will not work and I will still have to add cardio and abdominal training.

Told by Elena Mikhalkova

Overheard on the bus:
- You fool, reflectors are reflectors so that they can be clearly seen in the dark in the headlights, and not photographs of cute cats. When will they unban you from Google, oh my God.

Told by Sveta

I sit in the morning, drink tea. The cats have eaten and are washing themselves. Muska is sitting on the kitchen table, near the sink, Shunya is below. I kick their toy, a furry mouse, towards Shuna. She's happy to have fun. He throws it in the air, moving it with his left and then his right paw along the tiles, like a real hockey player. So she makes a successful pass, the mouse slides along the kitchen and... Musya joins the game, jumps on top of him, trying to intercept the serve. But Shunya is not asleep either; she overtakes the mouse in a jump and at that moment the flying Musya lands on her. Here hockey ends, horse racing with elements of horse riding begins. The frightened Shunya suddenly breaks out of her seat, goes around the refrigerator, gallops with Muska sitting on her back through the hallway, rushes along the corridor and they hide in the bedroom. Muska, sitting on horseback, almost falls from Shunka onto right side. And in order not to fall, he puts out his right hand hind paw and pushes off the floor as it goes, in the rhythm of Shuni’s gallop. This was a must see. Shunya is rushing, Musya is on her. The ears are flattened, the eyes are protruding, the hair is back, the tail is stretched out and only the back right paw is stomping on the floor. I fell out of my chair and crawled almost on all fours laughing into the bedroom. Both sat near the bed, looked with huge, round eyes, then at me, then at each other, and there was a question in them - “What was that???” :):):)

Told by Igor Skvortsov

We have a shop near our house. It’s very small, we shop there for cigarettes, bread, and water. Well, sometimes we just go to see Vaska.
Vaska is a cat who lives near the store. Honestly, there is something to see.
I have only seen such a huge cat once in my life. Incredible size, thick, black and tan, phlegmatic monster. He probably weighs about twenty kilos. At night Vaska is locked inside, and during the day he sleeps almost all the time on the roof of the shop. He doesn’t have much other entertainment, except perhaps chasing a dog that accidentally ran into his jurisdiction. Vaska, alas, is deprived of the traditional joys of cat love.
Vaska has no direct path to the roof of the store. In order to get there, Vaska needs an intermediary. Vaska does this.
The store opens at eight in the morning. Vaska comes out, sits by the door and waits. About ten minutes later, a Gazelle arrives with fresh bread and parks in the only small spot at the service entrance.
When the man with the invoices disappears into the store, Vaska jumps onto the hood, from the hood to the cabin, then to the body, and from there to the roof. He descends, if necessary, in the same way. Fortunately, goods are delivered to the store several times a day. So if Vaska has the urge to go down, he simply sits on the edge of the roof and waits for a passing vehicle. It often happens that while the car is unloading, Vaska manages to go down, take care of his cat business, and use the same transport to return.
Drivers, of course, sometimes swear, wiping Vasily’s dirty prints from the hood, shaking their fists at him on the roof, and calling Vasily various bad words. But they can't do anything. And local private owners, who knows, try not to park their cars there. Nobody wants to test the strength of their roof with a twenty-kilogram bag of claws.
And then somehow Vaska sits on the roof, having an obvious desire to go down, and looks out for suitable options. And at this time, a very shiny and sophisticated Porsche Cayenne drives up to the store. Blinding the eyes with the price, rims, and dull tinting. And he shows a clear intention to settle into this spot. There is no other place anyway.
Saleswoman Lena, a fat local woman, seeing this intention through the window and imagining how it might end, jumps out and begins waving her hands at the cayenne. And scream. What, they say: no, no! It is forbidden! In no case!
But how are we? After all, our Cayennes are usually driven by guys who are guided by the principle that if no one else is allowed, then they can. And the Porsche continues to squeeze into a nickel to the music from within itself. At the same time, the driver's window rolls down, and a broadly smiling face appears in it, trying to make out through the music as it goes, what this funny woman is shouting at him.
At this time, Vasya, seeing from above Lena’s bad maneuvers in relation to his passing vehicle, decides that they don’t look for good from good, takes aim, and jumps onto the cayenne’s hood. And he finds himself face to face with the driver sitting in a Cayenne listening to music. Moreover, if for Vasily this meeting was more or less expected, then for the driver it was not at all!
For a few seconds Vasily tries to look through the dull tint to see what’s inside, and then the following happens.
You know, there is such a trick, I think they demonstrate it in physics lessons. They place a glass of water on a sheet of paper, and then the sheet is sharply pulled out from under the glass. The glass remains in place without spilling a drop.
Just like this piece of paper, the driver pulled his cayenne out from under Vaska.
Backing up.
He disappeared around the corner in a cloud of burnt rubber, and Vaska hung in the air for some time, moving his paws.
Then he fell, shook himself off, shrugged his shoulders at such an unexpected outcome, and went about his business.
But since then he has tried not to use small machines unless absolutely necessary.

Told by Vladimir

A story about someone else's hair, a gold ring and a red cat.
After the walk, I went into the kitchen to smoke a cigarette with some green tea. I hear noise in the rooms. I went to have a look. I look: in the hall, our two cats are seated on the sofa and are watching with delight as our third, red cat, chases a puck on the linoleum.
I selected it and examined it. Ring. Gold, but unassayed, heavy nut. Clearly a handicraft. Interesting stone. Gray, with a diagonal turquoise stripe. It glows and sparkles from the inside when the light changes. I became alarmed. He returned to the kitchen and examined the sill and the grate. Exactly! Strokes. Like it's smeared with strawberry juice.
Everything became clear. I already felt sick. The red one is still a thief. It drags everything that is not nailed to the floor. He especially respects women's jewelry and cosmetics, cigarette packs, lighters and medicine packages. Again the same scandalous story, and in my old age, I don’t like scandals with passion. We live on the first floor, anything can happen.
Background. The window in the kitchen is always open. Cats go outside on their own and come back. Red got into the habit of hanging out the window during the day and playing with his paws with the children. Never hurt anyone. And so! Last fall, I was sitting in the kitchen smoking. A woman mumbles under the window, clearly talking on the phone, then screams. Then the saffron milk cap fell head over heels from the windowsill. With him is a clump of black hair. The redhead tore off the woman, not a wig, but some kind of hairpiece. He looked out at his bald head, with this hair in his hand. God, how she screamed! The main motive: the brute lived to be a gray-haired man, but like a boy... To the objection that it was a cat, there was a heart-rending squeal. It's terribly inconvenient in front of the neighbors. She left and promised to return with her husband and sons. No one came. Herded the cats until winter. I was afraid they would poison me.
My wife came home from work, I didn’t tell her anything. The story with her hair happened to her. Enough! I didn't want to worry. The evening passed. No one. At night I locked the windows and turned on the air conditioning. No matter how much they meowed, he didn’t let the cats go for a walk. At night it rained almost like in the tropics. The tides were already roaring. I practically didn't sleep. He was not worried about us, but about the cats. People are different. Someone shit on the rug in the hallway. I went to the toilet and got into a slipper. There is no one to blame; he himself did not let the cats go outside. Didn't add to the mood.
In the morning, around ten o'clock, the intercom rings. "Look out the window." Two. Man and woman. The woman asks for the ring. The man is silent. So gloomy.
From me: “How can you prove it? " Although I knew that it was them. The man spoke. Like, you’re a man, just believe who you tell it to... That’s how it happened, they say. It's stuffy outside. (Plus thirty-five there were). I'm wet, sweaty, I've had a beer before. He put the signet on his little finger. Underneath it, on the middle finger, the skin was ripe from the heat. Let's go. I saw the cat hanging from the window. I liked it. I wanted to pet it. I stroked it.
We say that after that we went to the trauma center and went to the doctor. Injections were prescribed. Do you want us to check it? Bring back the gold, will you? I won’t complain to you, but this thing is like a memory for me. His little finger is bandaged, and most of his hand is with it. Only four fingers stick out. I answer: injections, if prescribed, then do them. But the cats had their vaccinations in March. There are passports. Keep the signet. And don't pet other people's cats anymore. On the windowsills.
They seemed to leave and then there was a knock on the window. Opened it. The woman hands me bills. I didn't want to take it. She then folded them into a square and threw them out the window. “We wanted to buy cat food. We thought, what happens to your cat, you’ll think about us. Take it with money."
I discussed it with the men in the garages. They saw the saffron milk cap in action. At the garage barbecues, I stole a screwdriver. So, with it in his teeth, he left someone else’s garage. They caught up and took it away. The men say that he did the right thing by giving away. And with those two hundred rubles I bought navaga for the cats; I don’t feed them ready-made food.

Told by Alan

My cat reminds me of our government. He sticks his face everywhere, he cares about everything. At the same time, it is generally not needed anywhere. And without him everything works fine

Told by VeraNika

The little one came up with a gentle pet nickname for the kitten:
- ZHmurik
It was not possible to convince him.
No, well, it’s still clear - the kitty squints her eyes so sweetly in her sleep! (and he is almost always awake)
What other interpretations could there be?
So at night Zhmurik wanders around our house...

Told by Cleo de

The cat stomped on the keyboard of the turned on laptop and lay down to sleep on it.
All the settings are lost, the program won’t start, a million processes are running, some lines of code are popping up... It’s impossible to work. I called a computer technician.
His first question after the test:
- Did you call the devil on Skype?!

Told by VeraNika

Amazing creatures - dogs. Yesterday, on my way home from work, I saw a huge Labrador being taken for a walk, without a muzzle or a leash. He was already old, apparently of no use. On a tree, near the entrance, a cat was sitting and carefully licking itself, so thoroughly that it got carried away and lost its balance. As a result, she fell to the ground, right in front of the Labrador. The cat, stunned by the fall, even forgot to run away, and the dogs, after thinking a little, picked it up with its huge mouth and carried it to the tree. Then he even wagged his tail and went to the bushes. I have never seen such a stunned cat before.

Told by Victor

From time to time the idea arises of attaching a beacon with a SIM card to the cat. Because he trolls and is not shy. A cat comes into the room, I come in next, but there is no cat. Neither by sounds, nor by other signs of material presence. I close the door behind me, looking for the cat in the half-empty room, where there is simply nowhere to hide. Ten minutes, to no avail. There is also no reaction to the sound of toys or the rustling of a bag of food, although it usually jumps out immediately. I even tried to take pictures of the room, but suddenly my eyes became blurry, and the photo was also empty. I’m going to the door, there’s a sudden “murmyow!” from behind. I turn around, the cat is standing and licking his lips satiatedly. So far, the only sensible explanation is that he goes to eat in other dimensions, but uses the teleport only when people can’t see.

Told by Alexander

I’ve been living alone for 4 days... There’s nothing to eat... I bought Big-Bon noodles. That means I’m standing in the kitchen, in the process of cooking. I open this meat sauce and some of it falls on the floor. The cat, noticing this, came up and started sniffing - now, I think, she’ll lick it off... but no, blah, she sniffed, turned around with her back and started burying... Nag! I'm tormented by vague doubts about the ingredients...

Told by Mikhail

The wife teaches cleanliness and hygiene. I took the cat, stroked it, and washed my hands. I come out of the bathroom, and the cat is sitting on the floor and licking its paws. Ok, 1:1.

Told by Igor

Told by Anna

Deserted alley. Twilight, a lantern and, oddly enough, a pharmacy. I’m leaving the pharmacy with a Pax Plus, because tomorrow is a very important business meeting, at which everyone’s ear will be chewed and, if I’m unlucky, me first of all. In the distance, a large man of uncomplicated appearance is approaching from the opposite direction.
On the left I see a black cat sitting by a tree stump with the obvious intention of running across to the right. I'm not superstitious, but still, the devil only knows. I slow down, hoping that the man will cross the cat’s intended path before me.
However, having processed the information of his movement, I realize that he is also slowing down. Crap! I shorten my steps. But it also occurred to him. I feel that soon I will be mincing around like Japanese women in a kimono. It turns out to be inconvenient.
In general, we approach the cat at the same time. She's just sitting there, waiting for something.
Here the man hangs, looking questioningly at me, who also put on the brakes.
He: “What are we going to do? “Me, nervously: “I have an important task tomorrow!” “He, with pressure: “So I have a driving test!” And the cat, the bitch, sits and begins to lick itself.
At this time, interrupting our negotiations, out of nowhere, a mongrel runs out from behind the shells. And to the cat. The cat, instead of hissing according to their custom, arching its back and fighting back, on the contrary, sneaking between the tall negotiating parties, fired a rocket across the road. Following her in the same way, without ceasing to bark, is the mongrel.
We, like fools, remained standing, but already looked at each other in a friendly manner. He: “What are we going to do? " Me: "Well, YOU are a man! " He: "Then so. Because we both take risks, and I, as you are pleased to note, am a man. I suggest the following. I’m going over to your side, and you and I are going in a perpendicular direction to a restaurant, where I invite you to celebrate my failure of the exam tomorrow.”
That's how I met my husband. Today we have twins and a lot of happiness. And then he passed the exam. So don't be afraid to be afraid of black cats.

Cool, beautiful story about a cat and children

As a child, we had a cat, Dymka, who was uncastrated and unsterilized. We lived in a village. The cat's code name was “Ninja”, because... She was a housewife - she knew how to get everywhere, climb into any room and crawl through any crack, open the latches with her paw, climb through the mesh into the window, etc.

She played with us, children 3-5 years old (me and my brother), never let out her claws, she was quite old, she was definitely 3 years old, maybe she was 4. She was graceful - she looked young, but she had already raised several generations of kittens, i.e. was old. I caught mice perfectly, but! This one is old experienced cat she caught all the mice, except for a certain number, which she left for the future - for breeding, so that later new mice would hatch and she would have something to eat in the future. At the same time, the remaining number of mice should not annoy the owners. Those. ran her own mouse farm.

One day our parents, guessing that there were mice in the house, set a mousetrap and caught one mouse. They show this mouse to Dymka, saying, what’s going on, why is this happening in the house? She turned around, left and half an hour later she laid out 3 mouse corpses on the doorstep - i.e. has proven that it works and deserves approval.

Dymka always had a supply of food. Unlike our Red cat, who destroyed all the mice in the area, and then ate dog food next to the booth.

When we, for example, cooked the chicken, covered it with gauze and put it on the table, what did Smoky do? What would the average cat do in her place? I would climb onto the table and grab the fragrant chicken with all my fangs! After all, there are no people nearby.

The joke was that if any, even the most Tasty food cover with at least gauze, a towel, newspaper, a lid - nothing will go to waste, not a single piece. But if even half a piece sticks out, one claw releases, grabs a piece with it, carefully so that the others remain in their place (they say, since they didn’t cover it, that means it’s for me!), jumps to the floor and deals with the prey there. But if you close it well, you never touch it.

When we had to play with her, even though she was old, she jumped and frolicked like a child. But in childhood, we didn’t have any wounds or scratches because of cats. That is, she didn’t scratch herself: if she was tortured, she always knew where and where she could hide and escape. Once she jumped onto the closet - she was so tortured by her own kittens that she decided to take a little break from them there...

A funny story from life about children and the cat Marquis

We also had a cat, Marquis. They picked him up at a gas station, although his friends tried to dissuade him, saying that nothing good would come of him. They brought it home. By this time, Dymka had been poisoned - some of the neighbors didn’t like the fact that she was catching mice on their territory, and they threw her a poisoned piece of meat. That's why they brought Marquis.

They pulled him home and went about their business - something had to be done urgently, there was no time to pay attention to the kitten. They threw it on the veranda, but it was cold outside. The cat walks and meows: “Meow” and “Meow.” Well, we think, maybe he’s meowing because he was taken away from his mother?... About an hour later we freed him and put him a box of sand. He, with round happy eyes, jumped into this box headlong and did his business with pleasure.

This was such a well-mannered kitten, albeit from a gas station.

But what was the biggest joke? Why was he called Marquis? They called this cat Marquis because when he sat on the box, he sat like a bird on a perch - his paws did not sink into the sand, did not stand. Only when he dug a hole did he use his paws, but when he shit, he did it like a bird in flight. When he finished his work, he buried everything carefully, moved 20 cm away from the box. And then, until he shook out all four paws, each in turn, cleaned the tails, he moved into the house.

We look at him, and it turns out that he himself is all black, but on each paw there are white gloves, on the legs there are white boots, on the neck there is a white bow-bow, a white chest and a white nose. Well, just a cat in a tuxedo - Marquis! With such manners there could be no other name for him.

And although our cat lived at a gas station - what kind of upbringing was there? And she was separated from her mother at 2 months, but she had such innate skills as an esthete that we simply gasped. They brought him to someone else's house, but he didn't shit anywhere, he waited for the box, and he has such a chic suit... In general, we left him at home - there are no options.

He lived and grew, but he had this joke: having caught any mouse, the Marquis took them out to the threshold and put them (if there were 2 mice, he put them next to each other, in parallel), sat and waited until everyone passed, nodded approvingly, and only then ate. And this happened every week or almost every day - he caught it, strangled it, showed it, ate it.

Once, he was still a “teenager” - he was barely less than a year, 8 months, we look - our beloved cat crawls out of the barn and drags something that is 2 times longer than himself. In general, this young, “elite” cat caught and strangled a rat 2 times longer than himself. And he sat down to rest, because... It was hard for him to carry this burden!

Like any young cat, he loved to play - roll a ball, run after a paper bow on a string. He was such a phlegmatic, balanced cat. If he didn’t like something, he turned around, walked away and sat down to watch from the side. He always pulled out if he didn't like something and sat down proudly. And we understood this, we didn’t impose ourselves then - we were already 8 years old, we understood that there was no point in angering the animal again.

We children were never scratched or bitten by this cat. He just left silently in English, without saying goodbye, or climbed a tree. But he never let go of his paws with claws and teeth!

The Marquis never begged for food. Only if they call you to eat, it will do. Never meowed for food. He didn't climb on the table at all.

This was such a wonderful cat.

The Third Cat's Life is an interesting story about the Siamese cat Baska...

We also had a Siamese cat, Baska. We had already bought a house in the city, but we also lived in the private sector. And so Baska became our first cat. We took her from our hands - already an adult. They say that the age of a Siamese cat can be determined by the darkness of its fur: the darker the fur of a Siamese cat, the older it is.

Our Baska was quite mature, because... She was all a mulatto cat, she was already 3 years old - not only her tail, ears, paws and nose were black, but all her fur was already a rich cream color.

According to legend, Siamese cats had a broken tail tip. Allegedly, the queen once bathed in the river and hung her jewelry - rings, necklaces, bracelets - on the cat's tail. And one of the rings got lost - it jumped off the cat’s tail. The queen got angry and bent the cat's tail. That's why all Siamese cats (and not male cats - they have straight ones!) have a curved tail.

Our Baska’s tail was also bent, but not broken!

Therefore, when she sat down, all her outstretched paws were gathered together in front one to one, her back was straight, her chiseled head was raised, and her tail always clung with a “hook” to her paw. She never stuck her tail straight back. You look at her—it’s like a cat figurine: the outlines of her figure were so chiseled and clear!

When everyone is eating, Baska used to sit 2-3 meters from the table in his signature figurine pose. She sat and watched until everyone had finished eating, waited for food to be poured into her, then came up and ate. None of our cats meowed or demanded food; they were all well-mannered.

You could pull Baska by the paws, or by anything: she was such a gymnast that if she didn’t like something, she would instantly fly onto the closet, but she never scratched us children, much less bit. Even on the wall and curtains there were never any traces of her claws.

We, the children, pulled this cat by both its front and hind legs, played as we wanted, she was happy about it and even played along with us. In general, it was a solid, cool cat.

But Baska allowed herself, with perfectly hidden claws, when someone completely got her, she could push her hand with her paws, purely with the pads of her feet - she showed that she could resist, then she pushed off with all her paws and simply ran away. No one has ever had even one scratch from her! Although they say that Siamese cats very aggressive and the most vindictive.

But their memory is really good. But the funny thing is that they remember well not only bad deeds, but also the whole picture. If you punish her for something, then she understands that she deserved it, that she received it for a reason, and for a reason. And that’s why I almost never misbehaved, I obeyed.

She knew how to analyze, consider, and absorb information. She had 2 offspring in her life. And, apparently, from the experience of raising her kittens, she was never angry with human “kittens.”

She really looked like an empress: a chiseled figure, a royal look, not thin, but not fat, no bones sticking out, but not fat either, ideal weight had - 3 kg.

Under Baska there were no mice at all - all our cats had mouse traps.

I would like to emphasize that all our cats had a very balanced character, were restrained and well-mannered. Why? Yes, because they lived with us in a private house. Therefore, they always had the opportunity to vent their anger on trees, mice and fences. If you didn't like it homemade food- go out into the street and get food for yourself according to your taste.

Unlike cats kept in a private home, cats in apartments are much more aggressive. After all, they have nowhere to put their heroic strength, nowhere to pour out their anger and dissatisfaction with anything. So they take off on their owners, scratching them and biting them sometimes for no reason at all. Therefore, if you are planning to have a cat in your apartment, give it a separate corner where it can destroy everything in its path and thereby free itself from accumulated negativity.

Read on for more details about why you shouldn’t keep cats in an apartment, but rather keep them in a private home.

I once read a funny story in three acts and even sent it to friends to read. Today I accidentally came across the correspondence and decided to publish this story on the site. I think that many owners of cats, cats and kittens have been, if not in this situation, then in a very similar one. And almost everyone can tell funny stories about cats, show funny and funny photos of kittens, because these are our favorite pets. But let's get back to the story. This work is not mine, but it’s pretty cool, I hope you enjoy reading it too funny jokes about cats...

Act one
... I come to you for advice.

There is a cat. The cat has ten kilograms.
There is a bed. The bed has a high soft backrest 10-15 centimeters wide.
And there are cat owners who sleep on this bed.

At night the cat jumps on the headboard and walks on it. The cat has a night promenade. But since the cat is past life was a cow and transferred some features to his current incarnation; on the fourth or fifth walk he loses his balance and falls down.
If I'm lucky, the cat falls nearby. If I'm unlucky, ten kilograms of a cat will land on my head, and for some reason always with its butt.

Question: how to wean a cat from this habit?

Have tried:
- sticky tapes placed on the headboard of the bed. (As a result, they spent half the night tearing them away from the crazy cat, almost leaving him without a scalp).
- the aroma of ylang-ylang that is unloved by cats. (The cat didn’t care that he didn’t like the scent).
— tangerine peel in large quantities (The cat disgustedly knocked the skins onto my head, and in the process fell after them himself).

What else can you do? I was already sleeping with the sprinkler under my pillow. The cat runs away, then returns.

Photo of a cat to understand the scale of the problem
attached.

Act two
Received a lot of feedback. The two went into action right away.
As promised, I report.

I love simple and easy to implement ideas. Therefore, proposals to nail a shelf to the bed, to the cat, to your head, so that it would be convenient for him to fall on it, were postponed until later.

To begin with, I took six balloons from the child, inflated them and pressed them between the wall and the bed. It turned out very beautiful. My husband and I admired them and went to bed.

In the middle of the night a shot rang out. Woke up, I decided that my husband had shot the cat (even though the only weapon in our house was a water pistol). When the lights were turned on, the cat was sitting on the floor surrounded by scraps of a blue ball and squinting with displeasure. They gave him a kick, moved the balls and went back to sleep. This was our strategic mistake, proving how little we know about cats.

He blew up the second and third balloons about twenty minutes later and galloped off, laughing mockingly. My husband persistently asked me to put everything away and finish the experiments for today. While I was hiding the balls in the closet, the cat crept up to the largest one and hit it with its paw.

The net result: minus four balls, minus two hours of sleep, minus eight meters nerve fibers for two adults. Plus entertainment for the cat.

Then the backup option came into play. The entire headboard of the bed was lined with several layers of foil to make the rustling noise louder. I assured my husband that now he can sleep peacefully: the cat definitely won’t touch the foil - he’ll be afraid.

In general, this is almost exactly what happened. The cat came a couple of hours later when we fell asleep. Jumped from the cabinet onto the foil. The foil rustled, the cat got terribly scared, flew into the air and fell on his husband.

The net result: minus ten meters of foil, minus forty drops of motherwort for two adults. Plus entertainment for the cat.

This is how he looked at us in the morning while we tried to prepare breakfast with shaking hands.

Act three
After the foil and balloons didn't work, I started thinking in a different direction: how to keep the cat out of the bedroom at night. The first thing I used was a cat repeller. Unfortunately, the cat did not understand that it was a repeller. But the husband understood, he winced, sniffed and finally asked to ventilate the room. So now I have a husband repeller, I can give it to anyone who needs it.

The basin with water turned out to be about the same stupidity. We installed it with the expectation that the cat would splash around and forget about the bed (he loves water).
The calculation was half correct: the cat splashed, but did not forget about the bed. At night he galloped up to us, shaking his wet paws. When I woke up, it seemed to me that he had twenty-two of them. He stepped on my face with ten, and ran the rest over the blanket and sheet. Finally, he loudly kissed his husband on the nose, touching him with his wet muzzle, from which water was dripping.

After that, the husband said that to hell with the interior, he agreed to the shelf.

In the evening he brought a varnished board with a side, fiddled with it for two hours, cursed the innocent bed, and finally got the hang of it. I wanted to say that it would be better if a cat fell on us than this bullshit (no one would get out from under it alive). But she looked at her husband’s face and decided to remain silent. Okay, I think we’ll sleep for one night - and then I’ll take it off for good measure.

In addition, before bed, a child came running and threw his toys on her. I waved my hand and didn’t swear, because I was wondering which relative would raise the child if we were buried under a shelf.

(I must say that I was worried in vain: as it turned out, my husband nailed her down in good faith).

At night a cat came to the shelf. He walked imposingly to the middle of the shelf and touched one of the toys with his paw.
It turned out to be an interactive hamster “Zhu-Zhu Pets”.

At the touch of the cat's paw, the hamster turned on. He exclaimed invitingly: "Abusyuyuyu-zu!" and ran towards the cat, glowing with love.

I would be happy to tell you what happened next. But I won’t lie: we didn’t see it. And in general the cat was not seen again until the morning. The hamster ran to the edge of the shelf and committed suicide, like a lemming, by jumping from a cliff into a basin of water.

Result: we removed the shelf.
There is now a guard hamster sitting on the headboard.
The cat doesn't come into the room. And if he happens to see a hamster through a slightly open door, he swells to the size of a Pallas's cat and retreats in horror.

Here he is, our hero and savior:

There are a great many funny stories about cats and kittens on the Internet today. And if you look at YouTube, you can laugh until you cry all day long from the amateur videos posted. Animal pranks are endless, so the topic of cat humor is always interesting.

There lived a cat in one family. It would seem that there is nothing surprising here. An ordinary Vaska, a gray striped sly guy. But in addition to his natural cunning and cunning, he was also an inveterate thief. A trained eye noticed everything that was lying badly, tenacious claws grabbed the “prey”, and teeth quickly chewed the food trophy. All the cat's hunting trips took place approximately according to this pattern - usually taking place in the kitchen.

One fine day the hostess decided to fry cutlets - she made chopped meat and started frying. Vaska, of course, was spinning under his feet. The woman was distracted from cooking by the doorbell. She rushed into the corridor to let her husband in, and without hesitation returned to the kitchen. I looked into the pan, and one cutlet was already missing. Looking menacingly at the cat and seeing the cute creature innocently looking straight into her eyes, she doubted. Well, the cat couldn’t swallow the hot cutlet so quickly. So where did she go?

And then the tailed actor began to squirm his butt on the floor in a strange way. Meowing loudly, he jumped up and ran into the corridor. It turns out that in order to hide the stolen cutlet, he simply sat on it - there was too little time for more complex maneuvers. But he didn’t calculate his strength - it turned out to be difficult to sit on the hot meat “bomb”.

Home…sweet home

One family bought an apartment (they exchanged a smaller one for a larger one), and the previous owners moved according to the same principle to a neighboring house. While we were filling out the documents and moving, we became friends and started communicating. And now the long-awaited moment - the first night in a new home. The owner wakes up to hear a cat meowing nearby. He opens his eyes and sees a handsome red-haired man sitting next to the bed and peering demandingly at the sleeping family. Like, what a disgrace, I’m hungry, but everyone is sleeping. The still half-asleep woman automatically goes to the kitchen, opens the refrigerator, takes out milk and pours it into a saucer. And then suddenly the question clicks in my head - where did the cat even come from here?

Upon arrival, there were no animals in the apartment, the door was closed. Balcony! It was open at night. This means the cat got inside through him. At the family council they decided that this was probably the “Vaska” of the previous owners, and out of habit he came to the old apartment after a night walk. The assumptions turned out to be true. The old residents arrived and took the pet. The find was celebrated by getting together and drinking beer, and then they parted ways. And everything would be fine if history did not repeat itself the next morning. The cat stubbornly did not want to understand why he should now live in another place if everything suits him in this house. Groundhog Day continued for another six months, until the cat agreed to exchange the old living space for a new one.

Unequal compensation

Aunt Valya, a kind-hearted woman, had a dacha where she lived every year in the summer. The neighbor's cat Valet loved to come and visit her, because she treated him with open sympathy and very pleasantly scratched him behind the ear. They lived in such a friendly idyll for more than one season, and everything suited everyone. By the way, the cat was very clumsy and lazy, and during his cat life he managed not to catch a single mouse. Why bother if you are already well fed.

One fine summer day, Valentina Ivanovna, having received her pension, was delighted to buy a charmingly large salmon and put it on the veranda. Several recipes were spinning in my head, and the woman went into the house to get a cookbook. Returning to the street, she froze in place at the sight she saw - the Pilot was inspiredly finishing the fish, absolutely not ashamed of his action. And this despite the fact that he had never been caught stealing before. The woman could not stand such open rudeness, shouted at the cat and drove him out of the yard.

Half an hour later, Aunt Valya, having calmed down and cheered up, told her neighbor, the owner of the tailed thief, about the incident. Having laughed together at this story, the women heard a rustling sound and turned around. A cat came into the area and walked importantly towards the pensioner. He had a mouse in his teeth! Approaching her feet, he defiantly placed the mouse next to her, and his eyes read, “Here’s your compensation. And it was worth shouting like that because of some kind of fish.” He came to visit more - apparently he was very offended.

Buy food!

There are difficult financial times in every family when you need to tighten your belt and temporarily switch to economical mode. This is exactly what happened in the Ivanov family. And the first thing that the changes affected was nutrition. Of course, I had to cut down on delicacies not only for myself, but also for the cat. So, instead of whiskey, an ordinary soup appeared in the bowl, although it was cooked in chicken broth. The Marquis was clearly not ready for this state of affairs, and was not going to put up with the situation that had arisen.

The cat went on strike. He looked at the “strange” food with contempt, asking with his appearance:

- And this is what I have to eat now? For mercy, gentlemen, what kind of gastronomic slop is this?

To which he was given a laconic answer:

- Alas, there is no money for your canned food now. We'll have to make do with soup and sausage. Get used to regular homemade food.

The Marquis left the kitchen in disgust and defiantly ducked under the sofa. And literally half a minute later, a ten-ruble coin flew out from under the sofa, launched by powerful cat paws. This is character!

And God sent a cat

This funny story was told in one TV show, and then went to the people in the form of an anecdote. There lived a priest in a village. An ordinary priest who left the house one morning and found his beloved cat in a tree. The poor fellow meowed with fear, but flatly refused to descend from the branch on his own. To save his pet from death and save his neighbors from heart-rending screams, the priest came up with a cunning combination.

He decided to tie a rope to a branch and then bend the tree using a car as a tractor. The idea was good, but the rope turned out to be weak and broke at the very moment when the branch almost touched the ground. The catapult came out with a bang, and the cat instantly disappeared over the horizon.

A mother and daughter lived in the same village. The girl really asked to give her a cat, but every time she received the answer:

- Ask God. Maybe he will hear you and do what you want.

By a happy coincidence, while the cat was performing aerobatic maneuvers in the air, something was happening in the family. Once again talking about buying a cat. The little daughter, on the advice of her mother, began to pray intensely, when suddenly a desperately meowing “gift” flies into the window. Everyone is shocked, including the cat. And how can you not believe in miracles after this?

Bandit couple

There was a cat in one family. No, he didn’t just live, he reigned supreme. And then, to his misfortune, the owners took pity on the stray dog ​​and took it into the house. The foundling turned out to be young Caucasian Shepherd- thin, unhappy and tattered. They named her Alma. An impudent Siberian cat named Fluff immediately went on the offensive and drove the poor dog under the closet, where she sat for several days and was afraid to move.

As time passed, the cat changed his anger to mercy and decided to accept the dog as a friend, graciously bringing Alma a piece of sausage as a sign of reconciliation. The animals became friends, and they became inseparable. The ringleader in this company was, as you might guess, a cat. He imposingly and boldly walked around the yard, showing with all his appearance who was the boss here. And no one objected to this course of events, because they did not want to get involved with the huge shepherd dog that was following Fluffy on his heels.

One day this sweet couple disappeared somewhere and appeared only in the evening. A large piece of beef was dragging in the dog’s teeth, and the cat’s eyes sparkled triumphantly. As it turned out later, the theft took place several blocks from the house. Some cooperators were selling meat on the street - this was in the hungry 90s. Eyewitnesses told how a cat appeared from around the corner, approached the tray and began to hover around the meat. They chased him away, but then a dog ran “into the arena,” grabbed the largest piece, and ran away, accompanied by that same impudent cat. No one had any desire to take away the trophy, looking at the impressive size of the Caucasian Shepherd Dog. Since then, the gangster couple has become a local celebrity, repeatedly committing predatory raids on market traders.

Toilet inspector

Like people, animals also have “cockroaches” living in their heads - sometimes very unusual and unpredictable ones. The cat Murka also experienced a slight imbalance, and one fine day she simply refused to drink water from the drinking bowl. For some reason, it seemed to her that the water in the toilet was much tastier, and the process itself was much more exciting. The owners were not prepared for such a turn of events and tried in every possible way to wean the cat from this habit. But nothing helped. She successfully “survived” all the flavors and repellents and even learned to open the hinged lid herself.

As soon as someone locked the door to the toilet, Murka began to scream heart-rendingly and scratch herself at the door. She seriously decided that now the toilet had become her private property, and no one had the right to encroach on her drinking water. After they left the restroom, she frantically began to carry out an inspection - she sniffed the seat and jumped up, checking whether there was any water left inside. Well, what if I smelled it? bad smell, then she made crazy eyes, which literally meant: “Have you gone completely crazy here? This is my territory! Why are you thinking about crap here?”

Thoughtful Terrorist

Courtyard cats, due to their heightened survival instinct, are much more likely to show resourcefulness and ingenuity in communicating with people. Just such a thoughtful “comrade” was Philemon, a big fluffy cat who lived in the entrance of one house. Unlike other homeless animals, weak, thin and defenseless, he had thick, well-fed sides and openly enjoyed life. Such a carefree and well-fed “picture” of life was preceded by a whole series of events, which cannot be called an accident. More like a clearly planned theatrical play.

A dark vestibule served as the stage where all the events unfolded. The light fell there only from the stairs, and when someone went inside, they found themselves in semi-darkness. The cat quickly scurried under his feet, exposing his butt to the blow of the door. From the outside it looked very painful, as evidenced by Philemon’s desperate cries. But in fact, he skillfully dodged, and the door itself barely touched his body. Frightened passers-by, seeing the suffering of the poor animal, tried to compensate for their carelessness with some tasty treat. Over time, the residents of the house saw through the cat’s acting, but this fact did not prevent them from continuing to feed the cunning one and taking him into collective custody.

Detective investigation

The story happened to one young girl. It all started when things started disappearing from her apartment. And not simple ones, but golden ones. Either the chain suddenly disappears from a prominent place, then one earring is missing, or the bracelet disappears into the water. Adding to the strangeness was the fact that Katya lived alone, apart from her cat - her husband went on a long business trip and was supposed to return only in a few months. While discussing the situation with work colleagues, many versions were discussed: from simple forgetfulness and inattention to mysterious thieves and aliens.

The disappearances would have continued if one colleague had not suggested placing a car DVR in the house. No sooner said than done. The necessary equipment was lent by the same savvy colleague. Imagine the surprise when the recording finally caught the malicious attacker at the crime scene. It turned out to be a cat, who very professionally opened a jewelry box, pulled out another interesting thing (in her opinion) and disappeared from the viewing area with the prey. Subsequently, all the missing jewelry was found under the cat's bedding, and the whole team laughed for a long time at the antics of the tailed thief.

I have a cat named Dunya at home. She loves to eat, sleep and guard the refrigerator.

Dunya is a whole year older than me. And that’s why I call her Evdokia Petrovna. One day she was sitting on the windowsill and a sparrow flew past. In surprise, she fell to the floor. Dunyashka was in SHOCK. And we play like this - when I say to Duna: ball, ball, she runs with her long belly, grabs a small ball in her teeth and brings it to me.

This is my cat Dunya.

My pets

I have 2 cats and a dog: the eldest cat Athena is 2 years 3 months old, the second Smurfette is 1 year 2 months old, and the dog Misty is 8 months old. Athena was the first to come into our house when she was no more than 2 months old. We took Athena from the street, we caught her for a week, when I carried her home she hissed and scratched, now she is already a calm and quiet cat. We adopted Smurfette from the shelter, her dad often called her “Pate” and it stuck. We gave Pate the nickname “Catdog” because if you throw a felt-tip pen or pencil into the hallway, she will bring it back in her teeth. Misty is a purebred Golden Retriever, we took her from the kennel. To this day, Misty has become very friendly with Pate and they have become real best friends. Well, these are the girls who live in my house.

Weiss

Lives with us White cat Weiss. He's very calm. Likes to take a nap. When he asks for food, he sits on a chair and taps his paw on the table. This is very clever cat. He opens the door with his paw. He is wonderful!

Our black cat

We have a cat. His name is Dron. He loves to sleep very much. He is very fluffy, does not bite, does not scratch. He is very old and kind. Him green eyes and a snub nose. In the summer he rests in the village. He only comes into the house to eat. I saw him fight with other cats and get his paw hurt. My grandmother and I smeared the cat’s paw with green paint.

My furry happiness

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At my house there lives a small, white cat named Laska. She has Blue eyes, black ears and black tail. She is very similar to the Siamese cat breed.

The weasel loves to run and jump in trees. The caress is very smart cat, she can open the refrigerator with her paw and steal something tasty, and then close it, no one would have guessed about it. On New Year we put up a Christmas tree at home.... The weasel jumped to the very top of the tree and fell asleep!!!

This is my cat...

Save a kitten from the street

I was returning home with my mother. Suddenly the door opened and a kitten fell out of the crack. He came up to us and started purring. We realized that they had thrown him out onto the street and took him in with us. Our cats immediately started hissing at him. We locked them in the hall, and in the kitchen we fed, watered and stroked the kitten. Soon we placed 2 plastic cups, one with water and the other with food.

The neighbor gave it to good hands. I hope that he is happy and that he forgets his fear.

The story about my cat Musi

My cat's name is Musya. She is beautiful, her fur is gray and white, she loves to play with a fluffy dog, with a ball of paper. But most of all she loves to play with a fluffy stick. She loves to eat a lot - she eats whiskey, meat, sweets, sausages, sour cream, and much more. I take good care of my cat; I brush her 5 times a week (and even sometimes I do her hair). She is kind to me, but sometimes she bites, which means she is playing!!! She is afraid of water, the wood sucker(...

One day, this sad story, it was May 9 and my cat fell out of a 5th floor window... I really felt sorry for her, we took her to the hospital and the doctor said that her leg was injured and he prescribed injections. We gave injections, but she scratched, but then she became accustomed to it. And everything went away) We bought it at the market where various animals were sold, and everything was for animals, clothes, plates and much more. She loves me very much).

On White Silks

Not long ago I was walking with my friends in the yard and went home to change clothes. Mom told me that she couldn’t find our cat and thought that he was in the entrance. A simple red cat named Bucks. We started fussing and looking for Bucks. I ran out into the entrance, my mother went out onto the balcony to see if he had fallen out of the window again. Mom's friend Tanya was visiting us, she looked into the closet and saw that Bucks was sleeping on the White Silk Curtains, we are looking for him and he is enjoying himself lounging on the White Silks! =)

How come?

We had a cat, Sambuca. One day we gave them food, we looked, but Sambuca didn’t eat. We were racking our brains - “what’s wrong with her?” We took her to the vet. She said there was no illness.

We thought - “the cat wanted to become a model?” And after 2 days my appetite returned!

Kitty Dusya

Well, I love cats! In our entrance, mostly in the attic, there lives a cat that everyone feeds. But when she gave birth to kittens again, I found them killed and laid out, as if for our edification, on our site. But one of the kittens was still alive! Naturally, I dragged her home to nurse her. But my cat didn’t pretend “I have nothing to do with this.” Koschenka screamed in a thin voice, and my cat grabbed her by the scruff of the neck, like a mother, and brought her to me.

I went out and cured her. But I can’t feed two cats anymore - so I asked the sleazy mechanic, while he’s still kind, to put this cat - Dusya - in the drivers’ quarters... The drivers dote on her! And two purebred dogs too - it’s amazing how they were able to immediately love and recognize this creature!

The magical properties of cats

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My cat Syoma has been living with me for two more years, but during this time he has helped me so many times. Many people do not believe that cats have the ability to heal. But strangely enough, they have this property!

I often get sick: headache, nausea, severe weakness, but when Syoma appeared at home, I began to get sick less often, and if I got very sick, then when the cat came to me, everything went away instantly.

You can talk to cats, trust them with secrets, and when you talk to them you have the feeling that you are heard and understood and that you are not talking to air. Your soul becomes lighter when talking with them and you calm down.

These are the magical properties cats have.

My favorite

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My cat is the most beautiful! She has a wonderful breed "Nevsky Masquerade"! This is very rare breed! This cat is blue-eyed! She has long fur. She cleans herself as soon as she gets dirty!

My cat named Masya loves us very much. And he loves to play tag with me! We know how to communicate with each other - using gestures. Even though we picked her up on the street, she got very used to us.

I also love her very much and will not give her to anyone in the whole wide world! Isn't she really beautiful?!

People, please don’t offend these creatures! This is some kind of miracle!

The smartest...

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Our cat is six months old, but she is very smart....

After watching us open the door several times and knowing that she could run out for a walk on the balcony, she learned to open it herself. She does this easily, jumps up, hits the handle with her paw and runs wherever her eyes look =).. that's it!